The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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