matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
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The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
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And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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