Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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