it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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