i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just found puke in my bra..
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
