totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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