I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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