I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
