Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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