Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
this hospital has no fireball
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
