you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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