I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
