do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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