nut hugger
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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