Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
