Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
