Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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