What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
