it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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