he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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