Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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