Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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