i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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