I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Drunk is a universal language darling
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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