I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We need a shit load of segways right now
Randomize
