I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
