K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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