he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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