All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Randomize
