I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
