I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
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