Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
