I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
