i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
