He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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