Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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