I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
