it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
