I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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