i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Everclear isn't food dammit
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
