Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Floor bacon is actually really good
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
