Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
