I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
