do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
it's like heaven, but drunker
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
