maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
