i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
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I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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