when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
