Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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