just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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