4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
