I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Let's get the cat blown out
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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