I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
