bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
